One Soul-ar Cycle of Searching

Today I handed in my forms and admin papers for my final rotation of the year. It has been my first year of clinical exposure. The feelings of incredulity still linger as I write this entry, I cannot believe how fast it has gone. Indeed, the past ten months have raced on leaving me with much mixed emotions and nostalgia for some reason.

Perhaps because I've come to know that I'm grown up. That I have responsibilities. That I am accountable. That I can no longer run.

With a year that has brought me to places I've never been before, within and without myself, I do not know where to begin. Shall I start with the bureaucracy of the system? The wonderful volunteers and professionals I met in the community working for the underprivileged? The dying geriatrics with so many issues, not least of all depression? The marvel of the inflating lung during cardiothoracic surgery? The twenty-something friend diagnosed with lung Ca? The funeral for a twenty-one year-old? The buzz of being able to answer your consultant's questioning? The sudden and unexplained lost of what could have been a wonderful friendship? The swimming sea of mountainous work? The forging of new friendships and the fading away of old ones? The loneliness of being alone. The unexpected and unrequited courtship? The demands of a higher calling?

And perhaps this is why it feels like a year of rollercoaster rides.

I've come to realise that embracing this profession means accepting that there will be moments where you will be lonely, even if you are not alone. Especially when you are not alone. It is lonely because it demands so much of your life away from friends, families and people and places you care about. It is lonely because you place yourself at the most intimate and poignant moments of a stranger's life and then it is expected of you to walk away afterwards. Nobody ever teaches you how to deal with that. So you carry it with you. I hate goodbyes but am grateful for the privilege of meeting.

Without supportive people who are in the same boat, my outlook on this year may have been very different. Because of them, I am encouraged.
Without a source of constancy in my life, this year would be meaningless. But it was not.
For even the smallest crack in the wall is enough to allow the light to enter.

It's been a year that has taken me to polarising emotions. How strange it is to reflect on my tiny place in this world. What wonder!

So the words to sum up this year:
Inspiration.
Fear.
Joy.
Humbled.
Bittersweet.
Incomprehension.
Laughter.
Driving.
Questions.
Path.
Fleeting.
Books.

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