What A Week!

Five deadlines later... I am grateful to have completed them by the same day.
In the midst of the race with time, I found out one of my friend has lost motivation for studying and deferred. In moments of stress, it made me question myself too - and that scared me a little.
What I do have, is hope that when I do bounce back, my resilience is stronger than previously. And that keeps me going.
Love keeps me going. And grace sustains me.
What this community rotation has done for me, above all else, is that it has made me love humanity more than I ever have.

Chesterton proposes an amazing paradox that I believe is so true and so accurate.

Can he hate [the world] enough to change it, and yet love it enough to think it worth changing? Can he look up at its colossal good without once feeling acquiescence? Can he look up at its colossal evil without once feeling despair? Can he, in short, be at once not only a pessimist and an optimist, but a fanatical pessimist and a fanatical optimist?

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Point My Way

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Funny Way of Showing Affection

Spent four hours today with possibly my favourite people. One reason that makes me pain over growing old too quickly.
This is my second favourite season of the year. When we share the most of our lives with each other in the community.
Struggling to express anthropological issues that plague our time. Help.
Struggling with self.
Eating cold chips and always hoping the next piece is salted.
Tomorrow belongs to you.

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A Tangential Learning Curve

Had my first grand round ever today! Thank you psychiatry. I will probably never forget BPSD now. Don't think I can say the same for bipolar disease and the intricacies of an fMRI machine. Yes, I was indeed fighting sleep and thank you for solving the mystery of the red carpet!
Nonetheless, I sat there and admired the fluidity, articulation and harrowingly complicated presentation. In between drifting off and dreaming of patients that day. (Did I mention I dreamt of bandaging my own leg ulcer a couple of nights ago???)

Moving on.
In the middle of a video conference call today i.e. tribunal hearing for one of the patient, her BPSD and in particular, behavioural problems were outlined. A thought occurred to me. Now, if these bizarre behaviours are manifestations of disinhibition of the prefrontal cortex...what do "normal" human beings carry around in their minds usually??

Another thing of note, pharmacotherapy for psychogeriatric patients is amazingly complex. They both challenge and frustrate you, and I think that's what makes it exciting.

I'm happy to call it a fruitful day. My world expanded a little more, the shades of gray became grayer but I love it all the same.

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Small Victories

Being a lowly third year, the commonest paranoia for me would have to be the "what if I never get there and won't be able to diagnose Px or treat with confidence" feeling everytime one cracks open a textbook, read, and get overwhelmed by the ENORMITY of the body of knowledge (thank you Robbins, you are both a blessing and the source of my self-doubt).

So it was kinda a good thing when every once in awhile one is able to pick up something in the clinic. I diagnosed BPPV and an inguinal hernia this week.

Other stuff I've been up to:

- magistrate/tribunal hearings for psychiatric patients as part of the Mental Health Act
- starting the lit search for suicide research
- venipunctures
- IM injections
- subcutaneous ones
All this before even starting hospital full-time.. I'm both excited and apprehensive at once.

It is these small victories that reaffirms my -dareisay- "passion" for the field. Ok fine, I will probably never reach the passionate state for it, but it does renew my motivation and interest, especially when you realise every story is a human story, and every disease is personal to someone. It's a strange feeling when one sits through a consultation that starts off with jokes, smiles and laughter and then progress to an almost unforeseen emotional breakdown. And it is these cases that makes one feels helpless and out of control. There are things completely out of our control.
I think it'll be a hard thing to deal with that, when you realise that you have nothing more to offer the patient. We treat, but it is Another that cures. It's humbling, and I hope I never forget that.

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